Expert Tips: Parenting
All parents come up with questions and more questions about raising kids. In fact, the many books on parenting skills can provide many, many answers—sometimes too many answers. But what is the key advice? What are the parenting tips that should top the list? To find out, I contacted parenting experts and asked them one question:
If you could give parents a single piece of advice, what would it be and why?
Here’s what the experts said:
Hal Runkel, MS, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, ScreamFree
The best thing parents can do in any situation is focus on themselves. You cannot control the behavior and actions of your kids, but you can influence them. If you spend all of your energy reacting to what they do instead of controlling your own emotions and behaviors, your influence will lessen and you will become parental wallpaper. By simply calming down, extending respect, and committing to being the adult in the situation, you can become the type of parent that your kids really need.
Carol Dweck, PhD, Lewis & Virginia Eaton Professor of Psychology, Department of Psychology, Stanford University
Don’t praise your child’s intelligence or talent! It may seem like the most natural thing in the world to tell your children how smart and talented they are. It may seem like the right way to boost their self-esteem and motivate them to learn. But it isn’t. My research has shown that praising children’s intelligence backfires. Instead of giving them confidence and motivation, it makes them fragile. Why does this happen?
When you praise your children’s intelligence, it makes them so focused on being smart that they no longer want anything challenging. They don’t want to risk making mistakes and losing that valued label. Next, when they do hit something challenging, their confidence falters. They think that a smart or talented person should not have difficulty. They lose their zest for the task and try to avoid it in the future. Now, this is not what we intended when we praised them! What is the alternative?
Instead, try to praise your children’s effort, strategies, choices, persistence, or improvement. Praise the process they engage in. Focus them on the process of learning, not the goal of being smart. My research shows that when you do this, children love challenges and thrive on them. And, when they hit difficulty or setbacks, they don’t panic—they just apply their effort and strategies.
What does process praise sound like? “You really studied for your English test and your improvement shows it.” “I like the way you tried all kinds of strategies on that math problem until you got it!” “It was a long and hard assignment, but you stuck to it until you got it done!” “I’m really excited about how you’re stretching yourself and working to learn hard things!” “You played that piano piece beautifully. Your practice and hard work really paid off!”
It may seem awkward at first, but if you really try, I think you’ll like the results!
Lynne F. Katz, EdD, Research Assistant Professor, University of Miami Departments of Psychology and Pediatrics, Director of the Linda Ray Intervention Center
“Catch them being good” is perhaps the most important way to approach your children and their behaviors. Building a strength-based, positive relationship with your children when things are going well is like money in the bank. It helps make the more difficult issues more manageable to handle, as you have built a foundation based on building positive self-esteem in your child first.
Vivian K. Friedman, PhD, Professor, Department of Child-Adolescent Psychiatry, University of Alabama at Birmingham
Give lots of love and lots of limits. Some parents give love but no limits. They raise narcissistic, self-centered individuals who cannot succeed in love or work. Others give too much criticism and punishment. They raise angry, rebellious kids.
Teach that life is a glass half full and not half empty. Parents and children who see the world as a glass half empty feel cheated and bitter. Life gives you both good and bad. It works better to accept the rain in your life and use it to water the flowers. My daughter has Crohn’s disease and an ileostomy. She has had 44 hospital admissions and six major surgeries. In our house, the phrase is: “Thank God we only have Crohn’s disease.” We can live with that.
Liliana J. Lengua, PhD, Associate Professor, Psychology, University of Washington
There is a great deal of good parenting advice out there. But almost none of it addresses the fact that children have different temperament characteristics and that what works for one child might not work for another. I am a researcher, clinician, and a mother of three wonderfully different children who teach me something new about temperament every day. So my “single piece of advice” is: Understand your child’s temperament.
Some children are more shy or anxious, while others are outgoing or impulsive. Some are easy going and hard to ruffle; others are quick to frustration and distress. These different characteristics pull for different reactions from parents and require different approaches for getting kids to follow rules, be safe, interact well with siblings and peers, and meet responsibilities at home and school.
One of the universal truths of parenting is that warm, sensitive, conscientious parenting is important for all children. But there aren’t many other universals in parenting. Children respond differently to different parental efforts at raising them. Gentle directives are effective with most children, especially those who can consider the ramifications of their actions before they act, but less effective with fearless children who don’t anticipate consequences or danger. Clear rules and limits consistently enforced are important for most children, but particularly so for children who have limited self-control. Being sensitive to shy, anxious children’s feelings, while also gently encouraging them to overcome their fears, can make them more confident and comfortable in challenging situations.
There is very little that is black or white about parenting. Different approaches work with different children. Try to understand your child’s temperament and find the most positive and effective strategies that work for both of you.
Howard Markman, PhD, Professor of Psychology, University of Denver
One piece of advice to married parents would be to have best marriage you can have. Data indicate that children growing up in a happy, healthy, two-parent family have advantages in life. One way to have a great relationship is to take a course—such as a weekend workshop we offer for couples (see Love Your Relationship)—in learning skills to improve communication and conflict management and to protect or restore friendship, love, and fun.
You might also be interested in the FRAME website. This research project, run by Markman and Martha Wadsworth, PhD, is designed to:
… help couples who face economic hardship learn skills and principles for healthy relationships while also promoting investment in and satisfaction with parenthood.
Charles Soulé, PhD, Assistant Clinical Professor of Medical Psychology (in Psychiatry), Columbia University Medical Center; Director, School-Based Mental Health Program, Pediatric Psychiatry, Morgan Stanley Children’s Hospital of NY-Presbyterian
Dr. Soulé recommends:
Frequent affirmation of your kids (specific praise for jobs well done, general appreciation of who they are—especially the positive ways in which they are different from you).
Clear, reasonable, age-appropriate, and consistent limits that you really monitor and enforce—with rewards for good behavior being much more frequent than punishment for bad behavior.
Parent self-reflection—knowing who you are and what models you set and messages you give. Also, be genuine in your dealings with your kids—willing to reconsider and apologize when needed, and willing to set limits humanely but firmly when that’s what’s needed.
Never ignore or dismiss, and spend more time than money with them.
Kathleen A. Olson, MS, Family Relations Educator, University of Minnesota Extension, Rochester, MN, Parenting Education Resources
Parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. A parent’s role is to teach children to be on their own so they can become socialized adults. Parents can accomplish this with a balance of love and limits, as well as respect. Parents should think about what they want to accomplish in raising their son or daughter and what steps they need to take to accomplish it. It is important for parents to be there for their kids and let them know they are there for them.
Discipline means “to teach,” not punish. Most children can use more “discipline” than is currently provided.
Tips that I give families include: Be a strong role model because children learn by example; strive to have family meals together; monitor children’s activities; limit screen time; allow time for creative play and nature; make sure children get enough sleep; say “no” more often; support school and learning; and allow time in the schedule for family time.
We need to teach our children how to think, not what to think. Parents matter!
In many cases, parenting also involves interacting with kids playing sports. For suggestions about that, I contacted Steven Danish.
Steven J. Danish, PhD, Director, Life Skills Center and Counseling Psychology Doctoral Program, Professor of Psychology and Social and Behavioral Health, Williams House, Richmond, Virginia
There are three important points to remember if your child plays sports: 1) Understand what your child wants from playing sports. Not all children want the same thing. Most important, they want to have fun. Some want to be with friends. And as children get older, they want to improve their skills. What may be surprising to many parents is that “winning” was not high on one list of reasons for playing sports; in fact it was seventh. Therefore, when your child comes home from a game, ask: “Did you have “fun?” “What did you learn?” “Did you feel you improved?” 2) See yourself as part of the team and supportive of the coach. Avoid setting up a conflict in your child’s mind between his or her parents and coaches. If you want to affect the coaching, volunteer to help. 3) Develop perspective—remember what you could do at your children’s ages, and don’t judge them by what you can do now.
In the end, parenting is never an easy task. But hopefully, you will find some new tools here. And remember this: Every effort that a parent makes to do a better job enhances the life of a child.
For even more parenting tips, read some of the books written by these experts: